Understanding Narcissistic Traits and What It Means to Be Narcissistic
What does It mean to be narcissistic?
You might assume that narcissism means being self-centered but that’s only part of it. When someone is truly narcissistic, they will have certain traits that are very different from the average person.
These traits will vary from mild, moderate to severe. Someone who only a few traits may be considered “mild” whereas, the severe end is called narcissistic personality disorder.
Here are some key traits of a narcissistic person:
Needing to be the center of attention
Lacking empathy and compassion
Can’t tolerate criticism
Tends to lash out when angry
Can be entertaining and extremely charming
Gives generously when it makes them look good (love bombing)
Feels a sense of entitlement that the rules don’t apply to them
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success
Most narcissists are inflexible and don’t see themselves as the problem despite their abusive behavior. This is why narcissistic relationships become toxic; without accountability or empathy, mutual love and respect isn’t possible.
Trying to maintain a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging to say the least. If you feel powerless - you’re not alone.
Narcissistic relationships are very difficult to endure but there are ways to save your sanity and create a more peaceful life for yourself.
How do you know when your loved one is narcissistic?
Narcissistic people are known for being self-entered and quick to anger when they don’t get what they want. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse like name-blaming and intense blaming or shaming are common.
When a person has some narcissistic traits BUT your feelings still matter to them or they show some empathy or accountability - they likely have mild narcissistic traits. When these traits are full blown it’s narcissism personality disorder.
How do you handle a narcissist? That;’s what this blog is going to focus on - the tools you need to cope and avoid abuse.
Educate Yourself on Narcissism.
Once you understand narcissistic traits, it becomes easier not take their behaviors personally. For instance, in narcissistic relationships you are made to believe everything is YOUR fault which is a form of gaslighting. The narcissistic person will hyper-focus on what’s wrong with you to avoid looking at their own behavior.
How does knowing this help you? The more you can recognize narcissistic traits, the more this knowledge serves as a reminder that these toxic behavior patterns are about THEM not about you.
Have Realistic Expectations.
This may sound obvious but many people come to me frustrated that their partner doesn’t care about their feelings. People with narcissistic traits have no capacity to be empathetic or supportive in relationships.
They can only see what is important to them.
Expecting the narcissist to be like other people just won’t work.
The narcissist’s needs dominate the relationship and leave you feeling crazy. Although charming, their ability to create lasting connections is extremely limited.
On the other hand, when expectations are realistic, you can strive to enjoy what IS working without forcing them to be something they’re not.
Trying to change them is what creates more suffering. Practicing acceptance does not mean putting up with abusive behavior. It means accepting who they are and taking care yourself when these toxic behaviors show up.
3. Keep your communication, brief and neutral.
The narcissistic person gets triggered by any perceived criticism so keep your communication free of blame. Be short and to the point because narcissists don’t have the patience to listen very long especially if it’s about someone else’s feelings or needs.
If you are describing their behavior do it in neutral way. Don’t explain yourself - it’s human to want to defend yourself but the narcissist wants to get into a debate with you so they can put you down and win.
Then, if they become verbally abusive, be ready to leave and use a time-out to avoid their narcissistic rage.
Make sure you have a strong support system. I recommend finding a group specifically on narcissistic abuse will help you heal faster since it’s more targeted.
Getting additional support where you can be seen and heard is critical because in narcissistic relationships you are likely experiencing frequent gaslighting - meaning they make you question your reality to gain control over the situation and create self-doubt.
4. Practice detachment and healthy boundaries
Detaching doesn’t mean letting go completely but removing yourself to avoid any mean or abusive behavior. The key to detaching emotionally is to identify the abusive behavior quickly and leave before it gets too intense.
It’s helps to know ahead of time what behaviors you will not tolerate. This is the time to leave and protect yourself. Less is more.
5. Visualize your physical boundary to create emotional separation.
Find ways to stay grounded - visualizing your boundary is the easiest way to protect yourself verse worrying about what they think or want - because the natural tendency is to hold our breath and gut it out.
Some people find that creating a visual image helps like an imaginary bubble that protects you from them. or, you can imagine a brick wall between you and them. Both serve to protect your energy from theirs.
Otherwise, it’s easy to feel like you’re drowning in all of the hurt and resentment.
6. Learn to spot the signs of narcissistic rage.
Because their sense of self isn’t secure, the narcissistic person can’t tolerate being criticized in any way. They will perceive it as a threat and can be unusually cruel when they don’t get what they want.
Most people feel remorse after saying something hurtful but narcissistic people will justify their own behavior and they think they’re right. They cannot understand or empathize with someone else’s pain, it’s just not how they’re built.
Apologizing isn’t something the narcissist will do unless it gets them what they want. Otherwise, being accountable has no value to them.
When you see the anger starting to build- assess it before it gets too intense. For instance, use validation to show support but don’t let them get abusive. Don’t assume it will get better.
Knowing when to leave can prevent the situation from getting out of control. It’s important to protect yourself and any children first.
If you need to make up an excuse to leave, so be it. Your emotional well-being and safety is more important than placating their moods. Exiting quietly is a healthier option than having the last word.
Because narcissistic people are masters at blaming others, they will avoid taking responsibility. While it’s normal to express anger, it’s not okay to use it as a means of punishing or shaming someone else.
Additional Resources on Narcissism
Narcissistic relationships are not meant to be endured alone. Consider seeking therapy or joining a narcissistic abuse recovery group. Al-Anon and NAMI, The National Organization for Mental Illness, can also provide helpful support.
Final thoughts
Being in a narcissistic relationship means coming to terms with their emotional limitations and abuse. Put energy into what you can control - mainly the quality of your own life - rather than trying to change the narcissist.