How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage and Thrive
How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage and Thrive
When we dream of getting married, we often imagine it will be happily ever after. We never think that it will end in divorce.
Unfortunately, some people find themselves in relationships that aren’t working out but don’t know what to do next. Some try to work things out or hope that it’ll improve over time.
But what if it doesn’t?
Deciding to leave your marriage can be gut-wrenching, and many of my clients wonder if there is a way to survive in an unhappy marriage and still thrive. In this article, you’ll get the tools to survive, heal and thrive in an unhappy marriage.
How do you survive in an unhappy marriage and thrive?
Maybe you find yourself in this position?
Frequent arguments and feeling emotionally distant are common complaints. You may be alternating between wanting to leave and hoping that, eventually it’ll get easier.
It takes a lot of soul-searching to end a relationship especially when there are kids. Making this decision can weigh heavily on your heart.
Even though statistics show 40-50 % of married couples end up in divorce, many people may decide to stay in a relationship despite feeling unhappy. Here’s the thing…it’s important to refrain from judging yourself during this process. Ending your marriage is one of the most significant decisions you will ever make, so give it the time it deserves.
Reasons to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage
There may be a variety of circumstances factoring into your decision. Common reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage include:
Staying for the kids (the most reported reason)
Fear of financial insecurity
Not wanting to be alone
Avoiding the stigma of divorce
Not wanting to start over
Wanting to avoid the hassle
Fear of parental alienation
Assuming the worst outcome
*Note If you are in an abusive relationship, these suggestions will not be enough to keep you and your children safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. They have resources to help.
While family and friends may weigh in, ultimately, it's your decision. Loved ones may have good intentions, but you are the one that needs to decide what’s best for you. Don’t let others make you feel guilty or create self-doubt.
When You Decide to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage
First, congratulations. Making this decision, even if it’s only temporary, can decrease the pressure. If you’re unsure, I invite you to practice these techniques and take the time you need to make this decision. There will be a day when you will know what’s right for you and your family.
Increase the positive tone in the home environment
In the meantime, you have the power to increase the positivity in your home. Despite the myth that it takes two to make a marriage work, it only takes one person to do something different in reality.
For instance, when you change your behavior, the dynamics of the relationship will shift, and a new pattern starts to develop. An attitude adjustment is the first step. This will not be easy especially when there is underlying hurt and resentment. Without addressing this important piece, nothing will change. Strive for setting a more amicable tone.
As a result, you can decrease the tension and infuse a more neutral, even positive exchange. Put it this way, it’s harder to fight with someone who is pleasant.
Some simple behavior changes you might try:
Practice the pleasantries again - such as greeting them when they come home, asking how their day was, etc.
Acknowledge what they ARE doing right.
Stop arguing about the same thing to save your energy.
Be mindful of how you are communicating with them.
You can learn how to create a peaceful home life despite the relationship failing. Sometimes, these tools lead to reconciliation, but if not, you can still keep your home a haven for everyone involved.
Practicing Detachment in an Unhappy Marriage
When a marriage isn’t working, but you’re not ready to leave, detachment can be a lifesaver. Detachment means that instead of accepting unacceptable behaviors, you find ways to take care of yourself instead of trying to change the other person.
For instance, when your partner mistreats you, instead of retaliating, let them know you’re going to take a break. Don’t try to change a situation that you have no control over.
This concept can provide relief for families struggling with addiction, but it also helps create distance from certain behaviors that drive you nuts.
Every marriage has behaviors that create tension. Maybe your partner drinks too much or is emotionally abusive. Detachment creates the emotional space needed between you and the hurtful behavior.
Remember it’s the behavior you are detaching from, not the person. When something bothers you, Instead of feeling compelled to react or change it, you can politely walk away to take care of yourself.
Detachment works when there is:
Drinking or drug use
Verbal abuse or criticism
Annoying or pervasive habits
Problems that you cannot resolve
Behaviors you have tried to change
Aggressive or demeaning behavior
Aggressive anger or retaliation
How Detachment Helps in Unhappy Marriages
Detachment lets people be who they are which can save you a lot of grief and mental anguish. Sometimes, the relationship improves because when you detach, you argue less.
Detachment also means letting go of the expectation that your partner will change. Accepting them for who they are can stop those negative thoughts that fuel the fire.
When you focus too much on someone else’s behavior it’s easy to lose yourself. Trying to control someone else’s behavior is exhausting. You get derailed from doing your own life because you are obsessing about theirs. Hoping they will change or finally “show up” for you depletes your energy.
What does detaching look like?
Treating your spouse as a kind stranger would
Stop giving advice or trying to change them
Letting go of the small stuff
Not commenting on their behavior
Letting them make their own choices
Doing these behaviors encourages goodwill which is critical to building a more amicable connection.
Maintaining pleasantries like please and thank sets a powerful tone for the entire family. The kids see how to be respectful while you’re hurting. Instead of witnessing harsh arguments, they can live in a more peaceful environment.
Creating a more peaceful home will help to decrease your children’s own anxieties and demonstrate healthy relationship behaviors.
Detaching in Unhappy Marriages Means Be Light And Polite
Being polite helps avoid those same old arguments. The home becomes less stressful. As you start make these positive changes you realize that you have the power to end the war - or at least not participate in it.
The Benefits of Detachment:
You have more energy to care for yourself and the kids.
You model respectful behavior for your children.
Not interfering helps you keep calm at the moment.
There is less arguing because you’re not trying to change them.
You stop expecting your spouse to meet all of your needs.
Letting go of what isn't working keeps expectations realistic.
How to thrive in an unhappy marriage
While it may not feel like it now, there are ways to thrive in an unhappy marriage. After you begin setting the positive tone and practicing detachment, you’ll find the environment is less stressful, and there is less pressure on you to make a decision immediately. This may help you to develop more inner strength and independence.
Find new ways to connect
It’s true a lack of sex and intimacy is one of the most challenging issues in an unhappy marriage. Emotional intimacy often drives the desire to connect sexually for women. This can create a lack of affection over time.
Finding neutral ways to connect is essential. When couples are unhappy, family rituals go out the window. Make an effort to keep a few going, like having breakfast together or checking in after work.
Make an effort to enjoy your kids’ events.
Have some meals together.
Watch a movie as a family.
Talk about safe, neutral topics.
Make daily conversations pleasant and light-hearted.
This may or may not lead to reconciliation. Either way, you can co-exist amid an unhappy marriage by creating new ways to connect.
Get Your Own Life Going Despite The Unhappy Marriage
Part of coping with an unhappy marriage is redefining your own life. How you think determines much of the outcome. The problem grows by focusing on the problem, but when you focus on the solution, you start to have hope again.
Instead of expecting your partner to fulfill your needs, find healthy alternatives. Take better care of yourself by joining a gym and developing new friendships. Getting enough support is another aspect of growing your independence and easing isolation. Feeling more connected makes you feel less alone.
A Happier Self Heals You In An Unhappy Marriage
The key for surviving in an unhappy marriage and thriving is to stop fighting over what you cannot change and learn to focus on what you can.
In the long run, even if the marriage fails, creating a happier connection means that everyone wins. The kids will learn invaluable relationship skills, that will benefit them in the future. Your spouse may even become more amiable.
You have the power to end the war, or at least not participate in it. You can choose to stay and be miserable or find a way to be pleasant. I’m not saying this is easy, but if you decide to stay, that's the power you do have, which can open the door to healing. If not, at least you’re not living in a relationship war zone.