Codependency Recovery for Beginners: 5 Tips for Success
If you’re just starting codependency recovery or feel stuck in your current recovery, you’re not alone.
Codependency recovery can be daunting especially since it impacts so many different areas. Low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries and one-sided relationships are a few common struggles.
In this blog you will learn 5 tips for creating a successful recovery program for codependency.
What is codependency recovery?
Codependency recovery is a process of healing dysfunctional behaviors that negatively impact self-esteem and the ability to create and maintain healthy relationships.
Codependency recovery tasks include:
Improving self-care and self-esteem
Learning how to set healthy boundaries
Identifying and healing dysfunctional behaviors
Facing childhood issues that created your codependency
Addressing dysfunctional relationship dynamics
Letting go of trying to be perfect
How to Be Successful in Codependency Recovery
Codependency recovery requires a different, more gentle approach.
Most people who relate to codependency struggle with perfectionistic tendencies. When you are codependent, you give everyone else a break but expect yourself to do it perfectly the first time.
That’s not fair and it’s time to stop.
In order to succeed in codependency recovery, you may need to adopt a new attitude. Being too hard on yourself is part of having perfectionistic tendencies so practice being gentle with yourself.
Recovery is an imperfect process and the success is in the effort, not in the outcome.
If this feels like a foreign concept, think of someone in your life that accepts you unconditionally, someone you can use as a template for treating yourself with kindness.
With practice, this will get easier over time. Remember recovery is about unlearning behaviors that no longer work for you but first you nee to identify them.
1. Make a list of codependent behaviors.
Make a list of 4-5 codependent behaviors that you are struggling with right now. This list will provide a roadmap for what you’ll be working on the coming months.
Most people struggling with codependency feel overwhelmed in the beginning. That’s why creating a list can be super helpful in breaking it down into reasonable goals.
So how do you start?
Identify on 1-2 behaviors you want to target first. That way you know where to put your time and energy. Also, be realistic, don’t set yourself up by setting lofty goals that will take years to achieve. You want something achievable that will make you feel successful early on.
Some good starter goals would be…
Write out your wants and needs
Start taking some time for yourself
Pick one thing to stop doing because it’s too much
Examine where you are doing or giving too much
Look at your own behaviors that are causing you pain
2. Get specific support for codependency recovery.
Not all support is equal.
For instance, you could go to a counselor but if they aren’t specializing in codependency, you’re not going to get what you need around these issues.
Seeking professional help can be very helpful especially when there is trauma and abuse. However, not everyone can afford it so here are some alternatives.
Consider attending Al-anon or CODA, two 12 step programs that both deal with healing codependency.
These are free, peer support groups that walk you through the 12 steps of codependency recovery. They offer invaluable support and very specific tools and principles for healing self-esteem and other codependency related issues.
I don’t recommend doing codependency recovery alone - it’s like going on a diet - you might be super motivated for a few weeks but sooner or later, you’ll likely fizzle out.
It’s hard to stay motivated without a roadmap.
Or, start your own group with other like-minded people who also struggle with codependent behaviors. It helps to follow a book like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie or the 12 steps of Al-Anon. That way you are creating some learning and structure for healing together.
3. Identify baby steps in your codependency recovery.
In order to be successful in codependency recovery you need to break it down into baby steps - which basically means - small bite size goals that are a little bit of a stretch but not so much that they keep you frozen in fear.
For instance, if setting boundaries is too big of a goal because you’re afraid. Start by identifying smaller boundaries with safe people so it’s less scary. Or, instead of trying to heal your entire relationship, focus on changing one behavior that is hurting you right now.
This is super important because most codependents are over-achievers and want to fix everything all at once - but breaking these goals into bite-sized baby steps will decrease burn out.
4. Don’t focus on healing your codependent relationships right away.
This was a big mistake I made early on and it really slowed down my recovery. Healing relationships takes a bunch of skills that take time and patience to learn and implement.
When I started my own codependency recovery, I wanted so badly to fix my relationships because they were my only source of happiness instead of developing my own joy.
Instead, strive to set realistic goals. Focus on what you CAN control which is your own relationship behavior.
For instance, how are you treating others? Are you giving unsolicited advice and telling others what to do? Are you agreeing in the moment but then resenting not speaking up later? Do you say yes when you really mean no?
Pick one or two relationship behaviors that you can begin to change now.
5. Find a recovery coach or therapist to help you process the pain of childhood.
Ideally you’re going to need a combination of peer support and therapy for lasting recovery.
Since codependency is usually born from trauma, these issues will surface and create havoc if they are not addressed.
Although sponsors offer tremendous support, they are not trained to handle childhood trauma or abuse. Look for therapists who have experience with codependency.
If cost is an issue Open Path offers low-fee counseling. Check within your community for additional resources by googling “low-fee therapy in (your city and state).
Another option is group therapy. Therapy groups help you work through relationship issues that come up with other group members as well as having professional support. These groups are often cheaper than individual therapy and when related to codependency are a powerful option for healing.
Final Thoughts
Codependency impacts relationships, self-esteem and the ability to take care of ourselves. This is not an issue that will heal in a few weeks or months but you can make progress relatively quickly.
While recovering from codependency may seem like a daunting task, with the right support and making baby steps, you can heal these patterns one day at a time. You can do this!