How to Deal with People Who Violate Boundaries
Boundaries keep relationships healthy, but when people violate them, it hurts. When this happens repeatedly, the relationship becomes unhealthy and feels unsafe.
With people who violate boundaries (I call them boundary busters), you need more tools to care for yourself and not feel like a doormat.
No worries, I got you covered!
When someone violates your boundaries, it’s natural to feel powerless, but there are ways to take your power back.
Read on to learn more about boundaries in relationships and some practical strategies for confidently handling these boundary busters.
What are boundaries, and why are they so important?
Boundaries are limits you set for yourself that determine what you will participate in and when you will remove yourself. They are more about what you do than getting the other person to change.
Boundaries keep you physically and emotionally safe when someone is out of control or mistreating you.
Boundaries provide the ultimate form of self-care because they help to prioritize what’s in your best interests. They become the vehicle for advocating for yourself in relationships.
When you lack boundaries you:
Think your needs don’t count
Doubt yourself a lot
Feel like your relationships are more like obligations
Start to resent the other person
Lose self-respect and the ability to trust yourself
What does a healthy boundary look like in a relationship?
For a boundary to be successful, it has to be something you can control, and that’s you! The number one reason a boundary fails is that you’re trying to change someone else instead of changing yourself. That’s not a boundary!
Examples of healthy boundaries include:
Saying no when it’s best for you
Not going to the bar when it’s not your scene
Staying quiet instead of volunteering your time
Not hanging out with unkind people
Leaving the room when someone rages or disrespects you
In all these scenarios, the success of the boundary depends on your actions, not theirs.
Why does someone violate a person’s boundaries?
People who don’t respect boundaries are not always aware of how this behavior hurts others. Often, these folks grew up having their own boundaries violated, so they don’t recognize the importance of boundaries in relationships. They never learned that skill.
More commonly, people with narcissistic traits violate boundaries to gain control and get what they want from others. These traits are rigid and don’t change over time. Maintaining a healthy connection with such people is challenging to say the least.
Learn how to set boundaries with people who don’t respect them.
What is an example of violating someone’s boundaries?
Here are some common examples of boundary violations.
Not letting others have their own opinions
Treating others badly
Getting in someone’s face
Not honoring what other people need
Making all the decisions, so they get their way
Strategies to handle boundary busters
Boundaries help you identify what feels safe and what doesn’t. Boundaries are crucial as they protect you from toxic situations and keep you safe. Learning how to set boundaries is empowering because you have the control.
Here are the steps to regain your power when someone violates your boundaries.
#1. Detach yourself from the actions of the boundary buster
Violating boundaries indicates two things: a lack of awareness and a lack of skill. Many boundary violators don’t realize the impact of their behavior on those around them.
Often, these people have strong personalities that make it difficult for them to compromise and listen. They tend to attract people-pleasers with a high tolerance for bad behavior.
Boundary busters are masters at convincing others that they’re right and you’re wrong. Don’t buy into that mentality. Instead, use positive affirmations to remind yourself that “It’s not my fault” or “Setting a boundary doesn’t mean I’m selfish.”
It’s okay to disagree or want something different.
You are never responsible for someone else's actions, even when they blame you. The person violating your boundaries is the one overstepping; it’s not your fault.
To take your power back, you need to detach from their behavior. Detachment, in this case, means letting go of the other person’s truth instead of adopting it as your own.
Boundary violators tend to be quite forceful because they are used to getting their way. Some will react negatively when challenged, so be prepared to take a time-out if needed.
Examples of detachment include:
Walking away when they start blaming you
Telling yourself it’s not your responsibility
Letting them have their opinion without changing yours
Validating your truth instead of adopting theirs
As with any new behavior, practicing detachment takes time but knowing what your responsibility is and what isn’t makes the process of letting go easier.
#2. When people are violating boundaries, use the broken record technique.
The broken record technique provides an easy strategy to state your boundary with someone who violates them.
Here’s an example of a broken record technique:
“Let’s talk about something else because this conversation isn’t going well.”
When the other person challenges you, repeat this statement.
With people who violate boundaries, you need to be super clear. You may need to say your “broken record statement” 2-3 times to get your point across. That’s okay; remember, this behavior is a reflection of them, not you.
The win comes from holding your ground and not from getting the other person to see your truth because often they won’t be able to.
Most people who violate boundaries are used to getting their way, but when they’re challenged - they often don’t know what to do.
Or their behavior gets worse.
#3. When the person violating boundaries gets worse, it’s time to leave.
If the other person’s behavior worsens, it’s time to leave.
Don’t stick around hoping to change their mind or calm them down. Leaving makes a powerful statement because it conveys the message that this behavior will not be tolerated.
Sometimes, this means taking your own car to an event so you don’t feel trapped or leaving before the person gets too drunk. It’s called voting with your feet, and that’s how you take your power back!
Even if you feel miserable and embarrassed - leaving gives you the dignity you deserve. Sticking around for more abusive behavior doesn’t make sense.
Final Thoughts on Violating Boundaries
The purpose of setting boundaries is to advocate for yourself in relationships. You have every right to protect yourself from harm.
Remember, just because the boundary violator wants something, you don’t always have to give it. Setting boundaries with these people requires a willingness to take care of yourself first. And you’re worth it!