How to Start Recovering from Codependency
Realizing that your relationships are codependent can feel disheartening. Instead of enjoying mutually satisfying connections, relationships become one-sided with the codependent person doing most of the giving.
Without realizing it, when you are codependent, you overstep by trying to fix other people’s problems without being asked. As a result, the other person feels suffocated by your desire to help and stay connected.
Codependency creates an unhealthy dependency that eventually leads to hitting an emotional bottom. This is when you’re willing to get help.
While there are several definitions of codependency, here’s mine.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a relationship pattern of being hyper-focused on helping, giving or controlling people, places and things.
Codependency can happen in any relationship, not just the alcoholic and the enabler. You can have a codependent relationship with a partner, an adult child, a friend or even someone at work.
Signs of codependency include:
People pleasing
Difficulty setting boundaries and saying no
Attracting people with problems
Compulsively giving or helping others
Neglecting themselves for others
Being too hard on yourself and expecting perfection
Difficulty identifying wants and needs
Becoming overly focused on other people
Getting into relationships with addicts and alcholics
Being unable to leave abusive relationships
Codependent patterns develop as a way to cope with childhood dysfunction and abuse. A child learns how to take care of others instead of being a child. By nature children are self-centered because being self-focused is developmentally part of growing up.
In dysfunctional families the child doesn’t learn how to validate themselves so they seek approval in their relationships. This starts an unhealthy reliance on others that hurts your ability to be emotionally independent.
If your relationships are codependent, you’re in the right place. Identifying the pattern means that you’re closer to finding a solution!
This blog will outline how to begin codependency recovery and get some much needed relief.
The Pain of Codependent Relationships
The pain of trying to maintain these relationships is exhausting. Codependent people try to manage everything for everyone which takes a toll. You become anxious from doing too much for others and not doing enough for yourself.
Most people recognize when to stop but it usually takes a crisis for the codependent person to change. Losing a significant relationship often becomes the catalyst for them to seek help.
Starting the process of codependency recovery may seem daunting but it’s easier when you have a roadmap. You might not know where to start. That where I come in!
Click here to read my article on How to Shift Codependent Relationships.
The Process of Codependency Recovery
Codependency recovery involves two general processes; internal work and relationship work.
The internal work focuses on improving self-care, redirecting time and energy back to one’s self and working on childhood issues. Getting counseling is helpful especially when there has been trauma or abuse.
The relationship work focuses on identifying and healing codependent behaviors that reinforce unhealthy, one-sided connections.
Common codependent patterns include:
Denying your needs or wants for the sake of others
Not saying no or setting appropriate boundaries
Giving too much and not allowing others to give back
Needing to fix or help others to feel a sense of purpose
Ignoring your own feelings to avoid conflict
Although these tasks are equally important, starting codependency recovery begins with you. Expecting others to change is part of codependency and will set you up for resentment.
How to Examine Patterns in Codependent Relationships
Here are common relationship patterns in codependency.
You take on other people’s problems as your own. Instead of handling your life you become obsessed with fixing someone else’s.
You can’t let yourself receive or ask for help which creates a victim mentality and hidden resentments.
You attract people with addictions, narcissistic tendencies and other problems so you can fix them.
Find the Right Support for Codependency Recovery
You’re probably the one everyone goes to for help instead of being the one in need. Overcoming this hurdle takes a willingness to let yourself be human rather than always striving for perfection.
By developing a reliable support system, you will feel calmer and less alone. You’ll cope better because you no longer have to figure things out by yourself.
The programs of Al-Anon and CODA are 12 step programs much like AA, will help you begin the process of healing from codependent relationships.
But I’m not a group person…
You’re not alone! But I’m going to nudge you to try it. These groups provide invaluable support with “sponsors” to help you work the program at your own pace. Because there are no strict requirements or fees, you are free to come and go at your own pace.
There’s nothing to lose!
The Value of 12 Step Programs for Codependency
In 12 step programs you can “take what you like and leave the rest” which means, if you disagree with something, you can leave it. Focus on the similarities not the differences. It’s recommended to try at least six different meetings before making a final decision.
You can find meetings on Zoom too so you don’t have to leave the house!
Most people admit that although they were skeptical initially, the support and unconditional acceptance they found became a lifeline for them. Recovery is not a race but a process of healing, and it happens one day at a time.
Alternatives to 12 Step Programs
If 12 step programs aren’t for you, there are some alternatives. Some therapists offer group therapy that specializes in codependency. Doing a local Google search in your area will likely uncover some good referrals.
Or, create a group with others who have the same relationship struggles. Reading a book on codependency can serve as a focal point to work through relationship issues together.
Addressing Issues of Self-care in Codependency Recovery
As a codependent, you might be hyper-focused on taking care of others but neglect yourself. Recovery encourages confronting old beliefs and behaviors that make life more difficult.
Pay attention to where you might be ignoring self-care. For instance, are you the first to volunteer at your kids’ school or at church but have no energy leftover for taking care of yourself?
If yes, you’re not alone. People who struggle with codependency are huge givers but recognizing their own limits takes concentrated effort.
It’s not easy to admit when you’ve reached your limit. The fear of disappointing others makes this extra challenging. Giving yourself permission to ask for what you need without feeling guilty takes repeated practice.
Final Thoughts on Codependency
Codependency recovery redirects your energy towards healthier tasks. Recovery is not a race but a process of healing that happens one day at a time. You can create a life beyond your wildest dreams, trust me I did!
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