How to Love Yourself Just as You Are
When you struggle with low self-esteem, feeling bad about yourself creates a dark cloud that impacts everything.
No matter what happens, you can’t shake feeling less than everyone else. Relationships, career and family all become more difficult to manage without self-love and self-trust.
You can’t have one without the other.
But there are simple strategies you can learn to increase self-esteem and live a happier life.
How does low self-esteem impact us?
When you don’t like yourself, it’s difficult to make positive choices. It’s harder to put yourself first because you feel like you don’t deserve it.
In relationships, you are plagued with self-doubt so when bad things happen or relationships fail, you assume it’s your fault.
But that isn’t true.
Maybe you were told by a family member that you weren’t enough in some way. Or, that whatever was happening as a child was your responsibility. Years of hearing that “you’re bad or wrong” makes a huge impact on how you feel about yourself later in adulthood.
Low self-esteem has a major impact on every aspect of your life.
When you struggle with low self-esteem you…
Pick people who don’t treat you well because you don’t think you deserve better.
Struggle with depression and anxiety because low self-esteem is often accompanied by negative thinking.
Get stuck in toxic relationships because you can’t advocate for yourself.
Can’t trust your own perceptions because you don’t know how to validate yourself
Lack a sense of real joy and happiness because everything feels cloudy
Having low self-esteem just plain hurts.
Most of us want to be loved so badly that we don’t take the time to develop a strong foundation of self-love and self-trust. Everyone assumes that all you need is love but how can you accept love from others when you can’t give it to yourself?
That’s the million dollar question that if you don’t ask yourself, you will be missing a major piece of the puzzle. Go back and read it again!
A Personal Story of Low Self-esteem
In my twenties I was overly dependent on my girlfriends. I craved their time and attention without really knowing why.
It wasn’t until starting my own relationship recovery that I realized chasing them for approval wasn’t the answer to my low self-esteem. After years of using friendships as band-aids against the pain and emptiness I felt as a child, one close friend finally dumped me.
The end of that friendship was the worst pain that led to my greatest gift.
Without self-love, I couldn’t accept the love people had for me. Instead, I’d chase people or excessively call them so I never had to face the emptiness inside myself. Desperately, I wanted to stay connected, but I had no interest in befriending myself.
The lesson?
When you can’t accept love, you will forever be chasing love and approval outside of yourself. You will continuously be searching until you see that when you have no love for yourself, you won’t be able to feel the love others have for you either.
That’s why self-love is so important; it sets the stage for every single relationship you have including the one you have with yourself. healthy relationships.
When you don’t love yourself…
your ability to receive love is minimal at best.
you don’t recognize your gifts and abilities.
you don’t trust yourself to make decisions.
you don’t believe you deserve better.
you attract people who mistreat you.
When you love yourself…
you take care of yourself without putting it off
you know that you’re a good person no matter what
you feel worthy of love and connection
you accept your imperfections as part of being human
How do you start to love yourself?
As with any new behavior, loving yourself takes patience and plenty of practice. Don’t expect yourself to do it perfectly. Change happens slowly and correlates with a willingness to continue on the path even when it gets difficult.
So what does it take to go from self-loathing to self-love?
1. Accept your imperfections.
Yep, that’s right. Everyone has little flaws and quirks that make you unique. They don’t diminish you, they make you more human.
Several years ago my cousin and I took a trip to Europe. My self-esteem was at an all time low but she taught me a valuable lesson. She imitated all of my mannerisms in a very loving way. She made me laugh and taught me how to embrace them as well.
Embracing who you are is the cornerstone of self-love.
2. Forgive for yourself for past mistakes.
The difference between people who love themselves and people who don’t come down to one thing; People who love themselves practice forgiveness especially towards themselves.
After making a mistake, don’t continually beat yourself up. Instead of getting stuck in self-blame, work through it.
In 12 step recovery, people take moral inventories to examine problematic behaviors, strengths and weaknesses. This written process encourages a person to acknowledge past behavior in hopes of letting them go.
Inventories are a powerful way to heal the past and move forward.
3. Practice self-acceptance, one day at a time.
Loving yourself more requires accepting yourself exactly as you are right now. While this is not easy, it is simple.
The goal isn’t to like yourself conditionally like when you achieve a certain amount of success or lose weight. Healthy self-love and self-esteem means embracing who you are without judgment and without having to change any part of you.
For example, acknowledge the gifts that make you unique. Remember, NO ONE is like you. Use that truth as your compass; to guide you and remind you of your worth.
Some worry that if they practice self-love, that others will think they are being arrogant and conceited. Self-love acknowledges that you are equal to everyone else, no better and no worse. Part of healthy self-esteem is letting go of what others think of you.
You are simply enough because you are you.
4. Acknowledge all the compliments you have received.
When you get stuck in feelings of low self-esteem, look to others for inspiration. It can be challenging to build self-esteem from scratch.
Think of the compliments you have received over the years. Ask your closest friend what they like about you. I promise that if you ask 10 people what they like about you, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
5. Build self-trust so you can rely on yourself for answers.
Self-trust is an overlooked concept but a critical part of building self-love and self-esteem. Trusting yourself requires listening to your intuition and using it to make sound decisions and set healthy boundaries.
Take time to discover and hone your intuitive senses. Everyone’s intuition looks different so don’t compare yourself to others.
For instance, do you feel a sensation in your gut when something isn’t right? Or, do you hear a voice telling you what you should do? Pay attention to the feelings in your body and they will guide you to your truth.
Final Thoughts on Building Self-love and Self-esteem
Healthy self-esteem starts with a relationship with yourself.
If you're not ready to fully embrace self-love, act as if you are deserving because you ARE. Work through past hurts so you can forgive yourself and move on. Healing isn’t about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it at all.
Want more? Grab my free ebook on self-esteem below.