The Easiest Way to Prevent Conflicts from Escalating
Resolving conflict doesn’t have to be complicated. There are simple ways to prevent conversations from getting toxic or abusive. In fact, the most common mistake people make in their communication is easy to fix. Relationships are much healthier when you know how to resolve conflicts.
Here, you’ll learn the one simple, effective strategy to keep your communication healthy especially during conflict.
When Communication Fails
Most arguments start with some sort of blame or criticism whether it’s said or implied. Because arguments start quickly, it’s easy to miss what actually triggers them.
See if you can identify the problem in these two scenarios.
“Cindy says to her husband Mike, “I told you I was working late but as usual you didn’t listen. You always tune me out and I’m tired of it. You only care about yourself.”
“Pete comes home late but Mario says nothing even though he’s being waiting hours. He gives Pete the silent treatment for the rest of the night.”
Both Cindy and Mario blamed their partner instead of communicating what they needed. Cindy blamed her husband directly while Mario’s reaction is a perfect example of passive-aggressive behavior. Both behaviors led to unproductive arguments.
So how do you fix it?
The Most Common Mistake Couples Make
One of the best communication strategies from The Gottman Institute is that how you begin a conversation will predict the outcome. For instance, when a conversation begins with blame, it triggers a cycle of criticism and defensiveness that’s hard to stop.
Cindy’s words were entirely focused on what he did or didn’t do. Talking about what she couldn’t control (his behavior) increased her frustration. Her reactions naturally become more intense because we are always more powerless over someone else’s behavior. Trying to change it usually makes matters worse.
Blame escalates a conversation fast because it creates a “tag you’re it” mentality. Most of the time, we don’t recognize how often we use blaming instead of expressing how we feel in a healthy way. It’s a common habit that most of us learn in childhood.
But it can be unlearned…
Changing Bad Communication Isn’t Hard
The goal in healthy communication is to express yourself without demeaning the other person. While it’s normal to get upset occasionally, you don’t have to fall into meaningless arguments over nothing.
Here’s what healthy communication looks like with Cindy and Mike.
“I was really upset that you didn’t remember what I said last night. I need you to pay attention or let me know when it’s not a good time for you to listen.”
In this scenario Cindy communicates without making her husband wrong. As a result, he’s more likely to be receptive and communicate what will work for him in the future.
It’s tough to argue with a person’s feelings. That’s why it works!
The Difference Between “I” and “You”
Here’s an easy way to avoid blame. This formula helps to express how you feel and what’s important to you.
It sounds like this;
“I feel (name the feeling) when you (name the behavior). I’d like you to (name what you need).”
Example: “I’m angry that you didn't tell me where you were going last night. I’d appreciate a heads up next time.”
Describe the upsetting behavior without using judgment or blame. Stating the facts in a neutral way helps the other person listen without getting defensive or feeling attacked. Avoid using words like always and never because that sets up a win/lose scenario.
It sounds like this;
Instead of saying “You’re attacking me” - say “I feel criticized.”
Instead of saying “You never listen to me” - say “When you’re on your phone I don’t feel important.”
Instead of saying “You don’t support me at family events” - say “I don’t feel supported when we’re with your family.”
Notice that each healthy statement communicates what’s happening in the moment. Don’t bring up past incidents because that will intensify the conversation. Most people can’t argue with an actual fact which is why they work!
Resolution is more likely to happen when we say what we mean without being mean.
Avoiding Abusive Arguments
The words we choose can restore another person’s trust or destroy it.
By focusing on other people’s flaws, we will naturally feel more agitated. The desire to control another person’s behavior only fuels the frustration. Without healthy strategies, anger easily becomes abusive.
Behaviors like screaming, name-calling or making the other person question their reality (gaslighting) are examples of mental and emotional abuse. What most people don’t realize is that “you” statements breed a contempt that hurts the other person’s sense of self.
It sounds like this;
“You never listen to me. You’re being stupid. I should have married my ex.”
“You’re crazy, I never said that about your family. You are losing your mind.”
“You” statements make it impossible to manage conflict in a respectful way. The other person becomes “the problem” instead of both people taking ownership of the issue and taking steps to resolve it.
Blaming never leads to an amicable solution. It prevents one.
Final Thoughts
Healthy communication requires making a concentrated effort to avoid blame. That’s the simplest way to take responsibility for how we feel and not shame others. Issues are more easily resolved without making the other person wrong but it takes practice to undo old habits. Share this strategy with your partner to make it a mutual goal. That’s how you can begin to resolve things peacefully.