Healing from Codependency: Where to Start
Codependency recovery can be a long, confusing process but here are some simple steps to get you started the right way.
By nature codependent relationships are one-sided. You feel like you’re doing most of the giving while the other person becomes the focus of all your worry and attention. This creates a lot of mental and emotional exhaustion.
Many of my clients who struggle with codependency spend most of their life over-giving. But if that doesn’t have to be you!
Whether codependency impacts your relationship with friends, family members or partners, practicing these recovery tools can make all the difference!
4 Tips to Begin Healing from Codependency
1. Take the Focus off the Relationship
This may sound counterintuitive but if you want to heal a codependent relationship, you need to take the focus off the relationship. Because codependents are hyper-focused on staying connected, this can provoke some fear and anxiety.
On top of that codependents often attract people who are self-centered or have narcissistic tendencies. Because these people don’t give a lot or feel empathetic, being in relationship with them feels lonely.
Attracting healthier people seems like the easiest solution but until you can unravel your own codependent patterns, lasting change will be more difficult.
The codependent person needs to develop a stronger sense of self to instead of constantly relying on others for approval. Depending too much on others contributes to their low self-esteem.
Figure out what you enjoy doing as a way to get to know yourself better. Devote time each week to connect with yourself so you can begin to rely on yourself rather than looking to others for validation.
2. Practice and Prioritize Self-Care
Most people think of self-care as taking a bubble bath or going on vacation but self-care means prioritizing what you need. This could look like setting boundaries to preserve time and energy or practicing some form of meditation or exercise to stay centered.
Take the time to reflect on what’s important to you and what you want then, work to establish and maintain those limits.
Prioritizing self-care starts by figuring out what keeps you centered and calm and incorporating those activities in your routine. Even 10 minutes a day can help you feel more confident in handling life’s challenges.
3. Don’t Expect a Relationship to Make You Happy
For many years I kept thinking, ‘If only I would attract a better friend, then things would be different,’ or ‘If only I would attract a better mate, then I would be happy.’
In reality, I had to be that better person first. This is true of you too. So ask yourself, what are some things you can do to enjoy life now? An important step in codependency recovery is creating a balance between self-care and creating healthy, loving relationships.
When you can find happiness within yourself, you will stop looking to others as your source of joy. This happens easier when you have developed a variety of things that support you in life.
For instance, if everyone gets a dozen “emotional eggs” that represent the amount of emotional nurturing and support you can have, how many of your eggs do you put in other people’s baskets instead of spreading them out so no one person has them all!
4. Become Aware of Unhealthy Relationships
As you start healing from codependency and placing more value on your own happiness, you will probably be quicker to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns. This can be painful to admit because your relationships are super important to you.
Sometimes choosing to back up and not be so dependent on others can shift the dynamics of the relationship. Or, you might feel stuck when a relationship won’t grow along with your recovery.
Realize that not everyone is a good match, and that’s okay. Part of codependency recovery is admitting that some relationships however dear, are not meant for the long-term. That’s why having a support system that understands codependency is so vital.
Final Thoughts
Codependency recovery means learning how to honor and validate yourself so that healthy relationships can develop over time. Coming to terms with what you can change verse what you can’t now becomes a path towards serenity. Connections no longer represent a lifeline but a conscious choice that benefits you as well.