Embracing Anger in Codependency Recovery
People who are codependent don’t like to acknowledge anger because they are people pleasers by nature.
It’s more than just being nice and wanting others to be happy. A codependent person sacrifices their own needs for the sake of others. At first, this kind of selflessness seems noble but it creates relationship problems when it becomes a habit.
When people are codependent, difficult emotions get shoved aside to keep the peace. Eventually these feelings can leak out in destructive ways like resentment and passive aggressive behavior.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a pattern of behaviors where you sacrifice your needs in order to take care of others. This includes people-pleasing, having difficulty setting boundaries, over-giving and not taking care of yourself to name a few.
In this article you will learn why embracing anger in codependency recovery is vital to growth.
My Story of Codependency and Anger
Because I grew up with someone who raged, I did the exact opposite; I stuffed my anger. It wasn’t until years later that I realized the cost of denying my own feelings.
I couldn’t be honest. When my feelings were hurt, I stayed silent hoping to avoid a potential conflict and because I anticipated an abusive reaction would come back at me. Given my childhood that made sense but this old belief was no longer relevant in my adult relationships.
Ignoring my hurt was NOT the healthier choice. Recovery means embracing all of our feelings including anger.
The Lie of Being Fine
Most codependent people learned early to deny their anger. Painful childhood experiences reinforced the belief that anger is scary and should be ignored at all costs.
They assume that avoiding these feelings will protect them from being hurt but that’s not the only issue.
Codependents say they’re fine even when they’re not. They will ignore any feelings which might make them unpopular with partners and friends. Keeping everyone happy makes them feel accepted and safe.
Over time though, this type of over-giving creates a pattern of resentment. That resentment can become toxic, leaking out later as stress, anxiety and poor ways of coping.
Codependent people express anger by:
Using guilt trips
Saying passive-aggressive comments under their breath
Covertly blaming others for their own unhappiness
Giving others the silent treatment
Suffering from stress-related illnesses
The Codependent Assumption
Codependents often assume that expressing anger or disappointment will create problems. They go to great lengths to avoid confrontation while at the same time sacrificing their time and energy for the people they care about.
Stuffing their feelings is easier to them than potentially upsetting someone else. They assume that others will react negatively and even dislike them if they acknowledge hurt or angry feelings.
This is a major hurdle in recovery. People pleasing wins out until they can no longer hide their feelings. That’s when the deeper work begins.
Why Anger is a Struggle in Codependency Recovery
People who are codependent don’t pay much attention to their anger until it becomes toxic. Their compulsive giving makes it easy for them to ignore these feelings - until one day they can’t.
Anger isn’t all bad though. Healthy anger signal us that something isn’t right and that something – either something inside of us or something in our environment – is trying to get our attention.
It’s an opportunity to examine our boundaries and what we need in relationships.
Embracing Anger in Codependency
By acknowledging our anger and frustration, codependents finally succumb to being like everyone else - human. This starts the process of codependency recovery.
Recovery from codependency means changing the ways that we give to those we care about. Giving more than their share has to be replaced by giving that energy to themselves.
It means honoring your needs and wants, without pushing them aside or dismissing them. This is true even when those emotions are unpleasant, like anger.
Embracing anger in codependency recovery takes practice especially when you’ve spent years pushing it down. Here are some ideas to get you started.
The next time you feel angry, let it bubble up. Honor your feelings and sit with them for a few minutes. Then try the following:
Writing in a journal.
Practice letting others know when you’re upset.
Get some exercise to release that energy.
Consider whether or not the problem is yours to solve.
Go into a private room and say out loud what you’re feeling.
Focus on expressing the feeling and the underlying need.
These strategies can help you learn how to express anger in a healthy way.
Final Thoughts
Everyone naturally feels angry when someone treats us unfairly or violates our boundaries. It takes courage for codependent people to feel safe enough within themselves to acknowledge anger and frustration.
Embracing my anger taught me to honor myself in a deeper way which helped connect not only to myself but to the ones I love.