How to Preserve the Relationship with Your Teenager
Teenagers can be energetic, exhausting, hilarious, moody and at times totally illogical. It's a intense time for them as well as the parents.
When they're little you have more control over them but once they become teenagers, they naturally want more independence and control over their social life, decision making, choice of friends etc. A parent’s influence naturally lessens as they mature and grow into teenagers.
Natural Consequences
Seeing our teens begin to make their own choices can be hard to watch. Trying to exert more control is often what parents try first. I'm not saying consequence aren't appropriate, especially if you understand the concept of natural consequences. They can be an incredible teaching tool for them to learn what not to do.
For instance, a natural consequence of failing a class is taking it over the summer. Hard to watch - definitely, but a great lesson for your kid. When a parent steps back and lets the adolescent make their own choices, they can preserve the connection. The child feels respected as they learn how to navigate more adult situations knowing that the parent will still be waiting in the wings just in case.
Think about how you learn - is it because your spouse tells you to or is it a tough lesson of losing someone based on that same behavior that motivates you?
Making a Plan
Making a parenting plan can help you get through the rough spots. This is challenging especially if you and your spouse disagree on the specifics. Most of the time, parents have different parenting styles.
One of you is likely the "softie" while the other is more strict with the discipline. Instead of trying to change the other person’s style, utilize each other's strengths. That way you can share the responsibilities and each do what you do best.
Building an open dialogue with your kid can help them navigate into this new semi-adult world they're trying out.
It sounds simple but creating open lines of communication is the most important thing you can do for your teenager. When they can talk to you, you are providing a safety net that they desperately need. A safe haven when things get hard. Sometimes that makes all the difference.
Points to consider:
Connecting with your teen
Does your child willingly talk about what's happening in their life?
Is he/she able to talk about how it's going at least some of the time?
If you suspect alcohol, drug use or other destructive behavior can you talk to them about it?
Can you talk with them without judgment or excessive advice?
In some instances it can save you child's life if they know they can call you in a potentially dangerous situation.
For instance, when they’re at a party and don’t want to drink drunk, can they call you? If they become sexually active, can you provide resources for them?
Important Parenting Goals
Think about what’s important to you as a parent. Is the goal to have a kid that follows all the rules but then goes behind your back doing things you don't want them to do?
If you have a perfectly well behaved, honor student - that's great! But things can change quickly and if you don't have an open dialogue - it is harder to create once trouble starts!
Trust is always earned - even with our kids. If they don't trust they can really be honest without getting super mad, they'll likely clam up.
If kids get into the wrong crowd, start experimenting with drugs, or illegal activity - what do you want them to do?
Tips for Building Connection with Your Teen
Ask about what's important to them like you would a friend.
Avoid being judgmental by asking too much sounding demanding.
Try not sounding like you have too many expectations.
Let them initiate conversations when they’re open.
Give them the space they need to figure things out.
Let them come to you - if they text you remember this is their way of connecting. Don't disregard it or label it disrespectful. It's their way of connecting with you in a way that makes sense to them. It’s a great way to show that you’re trying to speak their language.
It's up to you to set the tone so lead by example. It works!
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