Building a healthy relationship takes more effort than most people realize.

Once the honeymoon period ends, behaviors that were considered adorable might start to feel annoying. When we don’t know how to navigate relationship issues, staying connected becomes more difficult.

Many people don’t understand what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship so it’s easy to get discouraged. We might assume the solution is outside of us, but in reality, addressing our own attitudes plays a huge role in a relationship’s success.

Though relationships don’t typically stay exciting forever, in this article, you will learn how to get back to the love that seems lost.

Couples are Needing Help Faster

The first few years of an intimate relationship used to be considered blissful, but that period has now shrunk as couples are finding it harder than ever to resolve issues and create a relationship that works.

In many cases they simply don’t know what to do. Instead of looking at themselves, they try to change their partner’s behavior. This creates a sense of frustration and a feeling of disconnection in the relationship.

Although the average couple waits 7 years before getting counseling (according to the Gottman Institute) by that time, it’s often too late. The emotional damage has made them lose hope or want to separate.

Starting Over Isn’t the Solution

When a relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to start over with someone new. However, relationship problems often repeat themselves and show up in the next relationship.

Assuming that finding the “right one” solves the problem isn’t accurate either. A relationship’s success isn’t dependent solely on finding the perfect person as on being the kind of person that can sustain a healthy connection.

Nobody’s Perfect

Looking for someone to make us happy isn’t realistic long-term. Every relationship takes work. Being able to weather the good times and the bad takes perseverance.

Seeing loving photos on social media can seem like everyone else has a happier relationship than you do - but that’s not true.

It becomes challenging when movies and magazines depict love as the cure to everything that ails us. We either expect too much, or don’t understand what it takes to go the distance.

Unless you’ve seen real life examples of successful, long-term relationships AND have a healthy set of relationship skills, you’re likely shooting in the dark like the rest of us.

Changed Attitudes Aid Recovery

As a relationship starts to fail, there’s a natural tendency to focus on what isn’t working.

Loving thoughts are replaced by ongoing hurt and resentment. When problems aren’t addressed, they create a negative “relationship story” of what’s not working. As each partner becomes more attached to their “story” their need to be right begins to outweigh the desire to do what it takes to heal.

Now the relationship is really in trouble.

The more attention given to the relationship’s problems, the worse they get.

What a person focuses on has a cascading effect. For instance, thoughts create feelings and feelings dictate actions. By focusing on what we can’t control, we naturally become more frustrated.

Instead of talking things out, we might seek support by sharing the negative side of the story. By re-telling it, the couple begins to discount the good parts of their relationship until the complaints far outweigh the benefits.

Thankfully, the same is true when we redirect our focus onto the solution - our attitude becomes more positive.

It Takes Courage to Own Your Part

In order to change our attitude we must identify how we’re contributing to the problem. I’m not suggesting taking all the blame or being a doormat. Shift those thoughts from what isn’t working to what possible changes could be made within yourself. That is your point of power!

The people who take responsibility for their behavior have the ability to create healthy, happy relationships.

Examining our part in the problem helps to build integrity and realize our point of influence. As each person takes responsibility for their own behavior, the negative story diminishes.

Here are a list of questions to get you started.

• What can you do to improve your communication?

• Can you show them support in the way that works for them?

• Do your words consistently match your behavior?

• Are you able to forgive when your partner says I’m sorry?

• Have you made amends for any abusive or hurtful behavior?

Tips for Getting Back in Love

Getting back to the love you had requires adopting a new attitude. It’s a choice to love someone and see the positive qualities in that person. At any moment we have the power to look at the good or to dwell on the bad.

Here are some simple ways to redirect those negative thoughts and remember the love.

• Consider what they’ve done for you in the relationship.

• Spend time looking at your wedding photos.

• Play “your song“ or music from when you were dating.

• List 10 things you’re grateful for in your relationship.

• Remember why you committed yourself to them in the first place.

• Avoid comparisons because no one measures up to a fantasy.

Final Thoughts

By looking at ourselves, we can transform our negative "relationship story” into personal accountability and gratitude. Although, getting the love back isn’t easy or attainable without hard work, issues of abuse or neglect often require professional help. Never underestimate the power of your own thoughts. By changing how we tell the story, we can get back to a loving attitude. It starts with you.