3 Easy Steps to Handle People Who Violate Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but with people who don’t respect them, it feels incredibly frustrating. Some people, who violate our boundaries can inadvertently become our greatest teachers, but more on that later…
Boundary violators, or “boundary busters” are used to being in charge, so listening or compromising may be difficult for them. Trying to get your point across can be frustrating because they are forceful with their opinions.
In order to confront boundary busters, it’s important to be clear on the meaning of boundaries. Boundaries are limits you set that determine what you’re willing to do, accept or tolerate in relationships.
If you’re just getting started with boundaries or are looking for a simple process, you’re in the right place!
This blog includes an easy 3 step process for setting boundaries with difficult people.
Who are Boundary Busters?
People who don’t respect boundaries have certain traits that make it challenging for others to speak up.
Once you identify these people, create a game plan. Talking with these folks takes a lot of mental and emotional energy so don’t engage unless you come prepared.
People who violate boundaries:
Have trouble listening
Expect to get their own way
Ignore or don’t comprehend what others want
Don’t compromise easily
Try to convince you to do it their way
Step 1: Know Your Boundaries
Before setting a boundary, be super clear about what your limits are, otherwise, they will be harder to set!
Think about what’s important to you. Boundaries house our deepest values for how we want to live. They also protect us from any potential physical or emotional harm.
Examples of personal boundaries principles include:
Deciding where to spend your time and energy
Developing and implementing self-care routines
Choosing who to be in relationship with
Not letting others disrespect or abuse us
Respecting issues of privacy and personal space
Think about what kind of boundaries you’d like to set. What would make your life more manageable right now? With people who challenge your boundaries, start small to build your confidence. Taking small baby steps will count!
Examples of personal boundary choices include:
Expressing a different opinion
Staying silent instead of volunteering
Saying “yes” or “no” without feeling guilty
Having less contact with someone who is difficult
Not offering advice
Grab my free journal prompts and more by clicking the image below!
What We Can Learn from Boundary Busters
Boundary violators are used to getting what they want but that doesn’t mean they’re bad people. In fact, they can be our greatest teachers because they can advocate for themselves without feeling guilty and that takes courage!
People pleasers, on the other hand, often feel guilty setting boundaries because they’re afraid to upset others or appear selfish.
Although boundary violators can be challenging to confront, they provide a powerful example of assertiveness that we can emulate in healthy ways.
Step 2: Speak Up!
Be crystal clear when communicating with people who bust our boundaries. Avoid using words like “well, maybe, or I’m not sure” because they can reflect uncertainty. Boundary busters will pounce all over that because they aren’t afraid!
Be kind but firm in your communication with them.
Speaking up could sound something like this:
“No that’s not going to work for me.”
“Here is what I can do.”
“Let me get back to you on that.”
“I can’t do this right now.”
“I appreciate your asking, but I can’t do it.”
One interesting side note: these people often respond well to direct communication. They respect assertiveness. It’s their “love language” so avoid making them wrong and you’ll be alright.
Another tip, don’t always respond in the moment. It’s perfectly okay to say that you’ll get back to them later. That gives you time, if needed, to craft a response that reflects your truth.
Step 3: Stand Up for What You Need
At some point you may need to advocate for yourself further. Maybe the boundary busters in your life aren’t listening to you or are trying to make you feel guilty when you communicate your needs.
When your boundaries aren’t being respected, use what I call the “broken record technique.” State your boundary clearly. If the person doesn’t listen, repeat it again.
Boundary busters may not hear what you’ve said the first few times. When this happens, kindly but firmly repeat what you’re going to do (or not do). Remember, effective boundaries are about your choices – not theirs. At some point you may need to walk away if things get too tense.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries is like any other skill - it takes practice. When practiced regularly, boundaries improve self-esteem and the quality of our relationships.
Especially with people who don’t honor your boundaries, remember to take care of yourself first. It’s okay to give yourself permission to do the best you can and then let go of the results. Boundaries are not for the weak!
If you're wanting information on codependency counseling, click here.