Being in a codependent relationship is disheartening.

You give everything you have hoping the other person will reciprocate. But when you can’t ask for what you need, the relationship becomes more about meeting the other person’s needs instead of being mutually supportive.

The good news is that while recovery takes time, you can get relief by practicing three simple steps to break those patterns. In this blog you will learn how to begin to shift your codependent relationships.

Codependent relationships can make you feel like a hero or a victim, you get to decide.

What is Codependency?

There are many definitions of codependency but here is a simplified version. Codependency is a pattern of behavior where you focus on others at your own expense.

Basically you give too much of yourself and can’t stop. Controlling others or setting appropriate boundaries are common issues.

While no two people with codependency are exactly alike - there are patterns that stand out. Being the one always volunteering, taking care of others, being a perfectionist are other ways it can show up.

Baby Steps Count in Codependency Recovery

Focusing on yourself may be uncomfortable at first but ultimately, that’s how relationships shift from being lop-sided to mutually beneficial. Learning how to advocate for yourself is the primary goal in codependency recovery.

As you practice these suggestions, it’s best to practice with people you feel safe with. I don’t recommend you starting with the most challenging relationship you have. Instead, start off slowly in order to gain confidence.

How To Heal Codependent Relationships with 3 Tools

1. Express an opinion. 

This sounds simple but telling someone what you believe in will help you be seen. Codependent people often focus on others instead of volunteering information about themselves. Start by sharing opinions that you don’t typically share. This will help you connect in a more authentic way. Eventually, you can share opinions that really matter to you. 

You might shy away from doing this because you don’t want to upset or offend the other person. So instead you stay silent, keeping your opinions to yourself. As a result, you will never feel truly known. It’s a catch-22 because although you want to be heard, you can’t seem to take your turn.

Practice speaking up about the little things. Once you realize that most poeple aren’t going to react negatively, it gets easier. You’ll likely be surprised that the people who truly love you welcome hearing your views.

2. Ask for What You Want

Typically, codependents don’t ask for things or reach out for support. Asking can make them feel vulnerable and even selfish. Instead, they will choose to do it themselves and wipe themselves out emotionally. 

Start by asking for something simple. A request like, “Can you help my unload the groceries?” or “Can you put the laundry away?” Asking for a little favor does two things; it makes your life easier and it gives the other person a chance to contribute.

This is how you begin honoring yourself in your relationships. As you feel more comfortable being honest, you’ll notice that you are slowly beginning to unwind from codependent behaviors like people pleasing and not setting boundaries. Speaking up for what matters to you is part of self-care.

If you get a negative reaction, don’t worry. Change makes most people uncomfortable so give them time to get used to your new behaviors.

3. Notice Your Feelings and Start Honoring Them

Notice when you’re feeling hurt or offended by someone’s actions or behavior. Don’t tell yourself that it’s not important, or that you’re being too sensitive.

As you begin to shift into a healthier relationship with yourself and with people around you, it’s important to honor how you feel. Writing in a journal can clarify whether or not you need to take action. Otherwise, you will likely build up resentments or try to avoid the people who have upset you. 

Honoring how you feel doesn’t necessarily mean you need to confront the other person about what they’ve done. It simply means acknowledging how you feel and giving yourself the space to be with those feelings. 

Final Thoughts on Healing Codependency

Recovery begins as you begin to advocate for yourself. It’s important to focus on changing yourself instead of trying to get others to change along with you. While everyone might benefit from recovery, few people actually want it.

By looking at what we can change, our relationships start to heal. From personal experience, the recovery process goes a lot quicker when you have a more detailed roadmap.