Who says you can’t heal your dysfunctional family?

While it’s true the only power you have is in changing yourself, that doesn’t mean you can’t effect change. In dysfunctional families, learning healthy relationship skills doesn’t happen. Family connections are often strained and sometimes even unsafe.

Without intervention being with family can become a task to avoid instead of the safe haven it’s supposed to be.

While many families never get the professional help they need, one person’s growth can alter the system and create something new. This blog shows what you can do to change and possibly create healing for the entire family. 

Don’t Underestimate Yourself in Your Dysfunctional Family

Many of us come from dysfunctional families where personal growth was considered weak or for the mentally ill. Maybe you’re the only one in your family who is interested in healing.

Even if your family never wants help, don’t underestimate the power you have to change the dysfunction. New behavior often provokes a new response. At the very least, by shifting your own behavior, you can take better care of yourself in your family of origin.

Some family members may react when you make changes because it’s unfamiliar. Predictable behavior, even when it’s unhealthy, is more accepted because everyone knows what’s coming.

On the other hand, new behavior can be perceived as a threat because it goes against the family rules. Some resistance is normal but unless you feel unsafe, don’t let that stop you.

Identifying New Behaviors for Healing Dysfunctional Families

So where do you start?

First, look at how you’ve contributed to the dysfunction and you will see what you have the power to change. This is not easy especially when you’ve been hurt too.

Here are some common examples of dysfunctional family behaviors.

• Complaining to one family member about others behind their back.

• Putting someone in the middle instead of taking care of things yourself.

• Trying to fix or control someone else’s behavior.

• Blaming each other instead of acknowledging our part.

By examining your own behavior first, you start to heal instead of expecting others to change. Instead of getting into meaningless arguments, you might choose to walk away and not participate in it anymore. When you can detach, you are no longer participating in the dysfunction.

Utilizing the Power You Do Have in a Dysfunctional Family

By making small but meaningful changes, you bring change to the family system. This requires putting yourself out there in a way that feels more vulnerable. Having the courage to do something different invites others to make a different choice as well. 

But it won’t matter. Nothing ever changes in my family.

Nothing changes until one person decides to start. Expecting others to be different creates resentment. Taking responsibility for your needs and behaviors can be powerful ways to change the system! You are setting the example and even if they don’t follow, you’ll be healthier for doing it!

Positive Change Starts with You   

Here are two powerful examples of how to create healing in a dsyfunctional family.

One woman talked about being 17 years old asking her father for a hug on Christmas. It was the first time they had ever hugged. Because she took the risk to ask, hugs became a normal part of their relationship. All because she dared to be vulnerable and ask for what she wanted.

Many years ago, I confronted a family member who raged at me when I was a kid. Because I spoke up, our relationship totally transformed. All because I was willing to do something different. She didn’t have to change because once I spoke my truth, we could both move on and create a new connection.

• It’s important to note that in certain families, where there is abuse or mental illness, these tips may not be recommended. Practicing detachment can keep you safe.

Final Thoughts

These situations had positive outcomes because each person decided to risk addressing their own needs. The intention was to create positive change not to manipulate others to change. By taking care of ourselves and confronting old patterns, we can show our family how to heal.