Do You Have Trouble Feeling Loved?
Feeling loved is such a universal need but as you get older you might downplay its importance. Maybe you think you don't need it anymore since you’re not a little kid anymore.
But that's not true.
John Bowlby, an expert on attachment, says that we never outgrow the need to be loved, especially in our primary relationship. If you're single, your BFF or close friends fulfill a similar need.
This blog shows how to embrace the love in your life. As simple as that sounds, when you come from a family of addiction, mental illness or dysfunction, accepting love isn't easy or natural. In fact, sometimes it's actually painful.
The key to feeling loved is surprisingly simple. Take a minute and let yourself feel the love people have for you. There are several ways to do this. You may not realize that by rejecting a simple compliment or not accepting support you're actually missing out on love!
What Family Taught You About Love
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, healthy love wasn't consistent. That’s partly why I became a therapist - because doing my own personal growth gave me the life I wasn't taught to have.
First, let's go back a bit. We learn how to love in childhood from our primary care-givers. Family demonstrates what love is which impacts what we learn. When there is abuse or neglect, love can get confused with pain.
Unfortunately, this leads to dysfunctional relationship patterns like people pleasing, codependent patterns, or picking partners that hurt you.
When you look back at your family of origin, what did you learn in terms of expressing and receiving love?
Specific things that impact our ability to love:
How to recognize love
As a child were your needs met consistently without being made to feel guilty or ashamed?
Were you shown affection regularly?
Were you told that you were special and unique from your siblings?
Did your family openly express love to you and to each other?
Were the people in your family able to accept compliments without making a joke of it?
If some of these were missing, you are not alone.
Growing up with any type of dysfunction or neglect, often teaches us that love is painful.
Healthy Parental Love
On the other hand, healthy parental love goes from parent to child like a one way street. This means that the child's needs often (but not always) come before the parents' needs. For instance, when a child’s needs are continually ignored because of a parent’s issues or personal desires, the child feels devalued - like their needs don’t count.
In a healthy family this is done willingly without resentment. The parents do not look to their children to meet their own needs or solve their problems. They handle their own issues independent of the child. As a result, the child learns how to enjoy life and trust that their needs will be met.
Growing Up with Unhealthy Love
If you weren't shown healthy love it impacts your relationships today. You may have trouble giving and receiving love. For instance, compliments may be uncomfortable when you can’t accept love. You might find some way to brush it off or make light of a friend’s kind words.
When accepting love is difficult you may choose to take care of others. Receiving love might even feel selfish to you. Often this goes back to childhood beliefs that you should always give but never receive. That’s a major set up for issues of codependency!
If you feel more comfortable giving than receiving, codependency will likely develop. The need for love doesn't go away simply because it's uncomfortable. Click here to read more on What Is Codependency?
What It Means To Love
Receiving love means opening yourself up to being vulnerable. While there is always a risk of getting hurt or rejected, with practice it gets easier.
Love is a choice. You get to pick who you let into your heart. Learning who to trust is an important relationship skill.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
If you are…
Struggling in your primary relationship, treasure your friendships.
Estranged from family, find a community for support.
Isolated, take a class or join a group to meet new people.
Feeling lonely, get a pet for companionship.
Feeling depressed, get some counseling.
Struggling in relationships, try Al-Anon.
Creating the Love You Want
Think about the people that made you feel special. How did they treat you? What made you feel like you could trust them?
In order to recognize healthy love, start with your most treasured relationships. What about them makes you feel loved?
Healthy love looks like:
Respecting each person’s values and opinions.
Making a commitment to weathering the good times and the bad.
Forgiving people when people make mistakes.
Not putting all of your emotional eggs in one person's basket.
Honoring each other’s boundaries without making them feel guilty or wrong.
Supporting each other's interests even if they are different than your own.
These are a few qualities that show dependability and commitment over time. By letting yourself feel the love people have for you, you can create healthier connections.
How to Start Loving Yourself
Learning how to love yourself takes effort. It doesn't happen easily when you come from a family where love was scarce. Be gentle on yourself because growth isn’t a perfect process. Developing self love happens gradually and requires three things.
A willingness to love yourself - mistakes and all
An ability to receive love from others
A willingness to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually without delay
Treating yourself with respect sets the example for others to follow. For more read How to Build Self-esteem From the Inside Out.
Embracing the Love You Have
Love connects us to each other and gives us hope. You deserve to have love in your life. Find ways to embrace the love and affection that you already have. Think of that trusted friend, or helpful neighbor that is reliable and supportive. Practice sitting with that love in your heart. That is a gift that you can give yourself!
Click the image below to get my free relationship checklist to help you assess what’s working and what needs fixing!