Forget what you think you know about anger.

According to the latest experts, some very popular techniques don't actually work. I've worked with anger management for a long time and these surprised me too! In this article you'll learn what tools help manage anger and which will fail.

Learning Anger Management Tools Isn't Enough

There are plenty of tools to manage anger. You can buy a book, read blogs, or even attend a workshop. I've taught anger management tools to hundreds of clients. Most of them find the skills are pretty simple. We practice these in session but even that's not enough. 

Common steps for managing anger include:

• Identify early warning signs of anger

• Take a time-out before anger gets too intense

• Use I messages (see below) to avoid abuse

• Find healthy outlets to express it safely

1. Practice What You Preach

It's not enough to read a book. You have to use the tools with your loved ones to actually change. Your brain is hardwired to repeat patterns of behavior. By doing the same thing expecting different results, your frustration builds. You start to assume the worst because those negative thought patterns have become a habit. 

It takes a conscious effort to stop a specific behavior. But here’s the good news - even pretending changes the brain, so if you “fake it until you make it” you still get positive results!

The brain can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t. It operates like a computer. What you get out is mostly based on what you put into it. When you focus on the negative, you feel that way too.

Tip: You can learn the tools, but if you don't practice them outside of therapy your behavior won't change. 

2. Seeing is Unfortunately Believing 

According to Marc Milstein, a neuroscientist, there is a phenomenon called the Mirror Effect. It happens when you unconsciously mimic someone's facial expression back to them. When you smile at someone and they frown in response, you frown back at them without realizing it! 

Another example is being around someone who complains a lot. Minutes later you notice that you're feeling more negative. That’s because you're mirroring back their feelings. Feeling someone else's feelings creates unnecessary stress. That's the Mirror Effect in action. 

Tip: Pay attention to your reactions when others are upset. Be careful to separate their feelings from yours. Don't let someone else's emotion dictate yours! 

3. A Cathartic Experience Isn't the Goal

A popular goal in traditional psychotherapy is having a "catharsis" which is viewed as an emotional transformation. Hitting a pillow was considered a "cathartic release" because you were expressing anger openly.

Actually, the opposite is true! Healthy anger is beneficial but any expression that simulates violent behavior like hitting an object, throwing things or swearing reinforces those behaviors in the brain. The desire to hurt others gets activated instead of being reduced.

Tip: Controlling your anger means finding healthy ways to express it without being destructive. 

I’ve created a free 5 day email course on Catching Your Anger Before It Hurts. Click image below and learn practical tips that work!

4. Venting Helps You Calm Down

Venting frustrations is a popular technique for managing anger but research shows that intense anger is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, stroke and heart attack. After a blow up you experience a surge of hormones that lasts for several hours. You’re more susceptible to over-reacting after the initial explosion. Thinking that you're calm after only ten minutes isn't realistic.

Tip: Journal writing and vigorous exercise are healthy ways to vent that can decrease anger. 

5. Low Self-esteem Doesn't Lead to Anger Problems

Anger management experts thought that low self-esteem and anger were connected. However, current research says the opposite. People with a high, unstable sense of self-esteem are more at risk for anger problems. Thinking you have to be the best and seeing everyone as a competitor are indicators of unstable self-esteem.

Tip: It's important to have healthy self-esteem but you don't have to be better than everyone else to be worthy.

How to Start Practicing Anger Tools

When starting out, express opinions instead of trying to be right. The foundation of an effective "I message" focuses on how you feel and what you need. Don't go down the rabbit hole of blame. Once that happens, it's hard to recover. A snippy comment becomes a screaming match.

Keep in mind that focusing on someone else's behavior increases anger. Attempts to change someone makes you feel powerless. No one can control another person without being abusive. Even a small child can't be totally controlled. Controlling what's outside of you fuels the fire.

For more on "I messages" read my blog - One Word That Hurts Relationships.

Final Thoughts

Managing anger effectively means finding healthy ways to express it. Don’t mimic hurtful behaviors like hitting or destroying things. Taming your frustrations takes time and a willingness to embrace your imperfections.

Dissecting what went wrong after an argument can show you what needs changing. You will learn valuable lessons from your mistakes, and if you let them, they will become your greatest teacher.