How To Create the Holiday You Want!
Getting through the holidays doesn't have to be difficult but it does take some planning. Finding little ways to take care of yourself can make the holidays more enjoyable. You don’t have to put your needs last. Creating the holiday you want means figuring out what you want and taking steps to achieve that.
In this blog you’ll learn how to get along better at family functions and keep your stress under control.
First, let's start with what doesn't work because when you know that, you're closer to finding a solution. Here's a list to get you started.
What to Avoid:
Don’t stuff your feelings.
Don’t expect people to be different than who they are.
Don’t try to change other people's behavior.
Don’t fulfill obligations that wipe you out.
Don’t put everyone else's needs ahead of yours.
Don’t give too much then getting resentful.
Creating a New Perspective
If you want a new experience this holiday, be the one to set a different tone in your family. When one person changes their behavior, the family dynamics will likely shift as a result.
For instance, if you're less resentful and more patient, others will react kindness rather than needing to defend themselves against a hurtful comment.
When your attitude changes it's an invitation for others to make a different choice. Don't make negative assumptions based last year's holiday. Stay in the moment!
Here are the steps to help you create the holiday you want.
1. Putting Yourself First
It starts with you.
Self-care is a challenge during the holidays. You're stretched to the limit. You might be praying for January to come so that you can finally relax. Don't wait, start now.
If you only do one thing different this holiday, focus on self-care. Managing stress means putting your needs first. This does not mean that you're selfish. It means you need to fill your emotional tank up before giving to everyone else.
Start with physical needs like getting enough sleep, healthy food and exercise. When those needs aren't met your body is out of sync so your emotions will be too!
Eating and drinking too much creates a negative impact on self-care. Alcohol is a depressant which means there's an emotional crash after the fun. Sugar does the same thing. People drink to escape the pain but the body reacts to alcohol as if it were depressed. Also, domestic violence increases dramatically when there is excessive drinking.
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2. Balancing Obligations with Wants
What if you choose to do more of what you wanted and less of what you didn't?
Giving yourself permission to do less or not going to certain events is up to you. You don't have to go to every single event just because you're asked.
Here are some tips to get you started.
Negotiate how much time you'll spend at an event.
Buy holiday meals for convenience.
Have a potluck instead of doing it all yourself.
Bring a movie to lighten the mood and decrease tension.
Exercise before going to events.
Take separate cars if you need to leave early.
Say no to things that overtax you.
3. Tips for Handling Stress
For a more peaceful holiday, keep your stress in check. HALT stands for Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. This is an old AA slogan that helps to spot overwhelm.
Think of the last time you were stressed. Were you hungry or really tired? You can avoid excess stress by paying attention to HALT.
When you start feeling irritable or tense there is a tendency to ignore it because it's not that bad yet. When stressed your body will go into a fight or flight mode where your body wants to escape.
Research shows that this is the absolute worse time to talk things out because your brain isn't capable of listening. Taking a break sounds good but you'd rather finish the argument.
The goal is to catch the signs of stress early enough to prevent the blow ups you'll regret later.
4. Dealing with Family
Unfortunately, family problems can make the holidays a drag. Old resentments and dealing with certain people can be difficult. Maybe you’re afraid of being judged or criticized. Here are some tips for how to respond.
Tips for handling potential conflict:
Use humor to lighten the mood (not sarcasm which is hurtful).
Think, how important is it? Can I let this go?
Let's talk about something else.
Remove yourself and take a walk, offer to help out, or get something at the store.
Use “I statements” that focus on you, not them.
For instance,”I statements” work because they express emotions without blaming others.
When you _____________ ( state exactly what was said or done without judgement ).
I felt __________ and I would like __________. This helps you stand up for yourself without making the other person wrong.
5. Handling Expectations
When something doesn't go the way you think it should, check your expectations. Here are two common expectations that lead to frustration.
You expect things to be the same as before. This prevents something new from happening because you aren't open to it.
Expecting people to be different than who they really are.
By lowering your expectations, you’ll naturally become less stressed. You can enjoy the holidays without having to set yourself up for disappointment.
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6. How to Use Repairs after Conflicts
Repairs are a great way to fix hurt feelings in an argument. These comments validate or support the other person. Saying I'm sorry doesn't work because it gets over-used. Here are some other options to validate what's being said without necessarily agreeing.
You may be right.
That makes sense.
I can understand why you feel that way.
Can I get a hug right now?
I can see that you're really hurt right now. What can I do?
I could be wrong.
I see your point.
I need to calm down and take a break.
The Rewards
Once you can manage holiday stress, dealing with family and obligations gets easier. Making a plan to do less will help. Focusing more on what you want for the holidays can spark that holiday spirit that may have been lost in old resentments.
Text a friend to check in and offer them support too. You never know how important reaching out can be to someone who may need it! Share your stress number with someone to keep it in check.
By taking care of yourself first, you'll be able to cope better. Family and friends don't have to change for you to have a different experience. You can create that all by yourself!